APRIL 26, 2013 www.mkulet.com

APRIL 26, 2013
www.mkulet.com
EDITOR’S NOTE
FROM MY NOTEBOOK
This might be the only serious part of the
entire issue.
But to hell with that, MKulet has never
explained itself. We (all of us, I mean) don’t
need to justify ourselves every time we do
something. Like my good friend said, “You’re
a smart person, you’ll understand.” And so I
treat every Iskolar who may read this as someone who is smart, and who will understand.
We’ve received ire for the last lampoon
issue we released. Actually, we receive hate
every time we do something out of the
ordinary. And that’s saying much, because a
lampoon issue isn’t supposed to be considered
as something “out of the ordinary.” It’s not an
aberration or an abnormality; this is something
we offer to you, be it to lighten your mood,
lighten ours, waste P20,000 of your good
money, create our own form of propaganda, or
to simply provide you with paper to wrap your
petri dish (see back cover) or clean up that iced
tea you spilled in GAB 308. See, that’s P49
right there that was utilized for your future
scratch paper. What a bargain!
But you’re smart and you’ll understand.
There is so much power in this statement that
I’m not using it to mock the constituency; I’m
using it as a basis for truth.
In the past year, we’ve forgotten how to
trust in the constituency, how to trust in the
masses. We’ve forgotten how truly smart a UP
student is that they don’t need to follow bandwagons or cries for stupidity. We thought that
our biggest enemy was an entrenched culture
of idiocy, but in fact, the worst enemy is that
we lost faith in the Iskolar ng Bayan. We’ve
grouped them together with the self-created
low life, incapable of comprehension and with
little emotional capacity. We also lost faith in
ourselves. It was not vigilance and criticalmindedness; it was defeatism. And if there’s
one thing we learned from all this is that it’s
time to give back to the masses. It’s time for
us to come down from our own self-imposed
ivory towers (or in our case, being cooped up
in the fourth floor).
To use the terms of another good friend of
mine, there’s no such thing as “stupid masses.”
They’re not cattle waiting to be herded to the
grasslands, in whatever direction we want the
wind to blow. They can understand. They can
comprehend. But most of all, they deserve to
know the truth, and they deserve it to be told
to them.
Perhaps, in using that argument still,
you’ll be smart enough to obtain a hard copy
of the publication and read it. That’s where
your P49 goes. That’s where we’ve sacrificed
our own blood and some rodents to produce.
That’s where we both become vocal regarding
the rights that everyone should enjoy and fight
for, because we both learned that not everyone
gets their rights handed to them on a silver
platter. And most of all, it’s the meeting of the
idea and the actual; the challenge is to learn
from the pages, and transcend its black and
white corners onto real life.
And so dear reader, friend, bloc mate,
classmate, org mate, past org mate, someone
who really hates our guts no matter what we
do, or whoever you may be, this is for everything. This is for the battles you fought and
are still fighting. This is for the past academic
year. This is for what you did today and will
be doing tomorrow. This is for wherever you’re
headed after this academic year. This is for the
concept of hope itself; real and tangible hope
that can be found in the rays of the sun in
the morning light seeping through the cracks
in your window, and in the ice cream you
downed after an extremely horrible day.
But most of all, this is for you.
Jesse J Santos, mkulet 25 chairperson
MKULET25 CHAIRPERSON Jesse J Santos MKULET25 VICE CHAIRPERSON (INTERNALS) Jeoncé “Sasha Fierce” Knowles-Carter MKULET25 VICE CHAIRPERSON (EXTERNALS)* Aries Joseph Gordon-Levitt &
Rep. Ehcel Lagman MKULET25 COUNCILOR FOR FINANCE & MANAGEMENT Master Yoda MKULET25 VICE COUNCILOR FOR FINANCE & MANAGEMENT Aubrey Hepburn MKULET25 COUNCILOR FOR NEWS &
INFORMATION Deonah Abigail Valte MKULET25 COUNCILOR FOR GRAPHICS & PUBLICITY Ace Vincent Van Gogh
NEWS COMMITTEE VOLUNTEER CORPS Christine Aguilera, Honey Diana Menezes, Ezra Miller Bayalan, Angela Mariz Zubiri, Mon Gabriel Tulfo, Mark Jason-FiveStar Leader Alacapa, Queen Elizabeth
Fodulla, Krish Aquino, Alyssa Nicole Hyala, Kathleen Bernardo, Leonard Hofstadter Javier, Carlo Ray Jepsen, Ronilo Weasley, Romelyn Monzon-Palma FEATURES COMMITTEE VOLUNTEER CORPS
Erwin Lacierda, Christian Grey Durana, Jewel Anne Hathaway, Jennahfer Lopez, Charry V Ms. Pure Energy, Angelica Pickles Reyes CULTURE COMMITTEE VOLUNTEER CORPS Angelo Dennis the
Menace, Ruth Queen Guinevere Lumibao, John Vherlin Robert Arguelles, Karel Jiaan Lim, Faith Healer Galano, Jamilah Kunis GRAPHICS COMMITEE VOLUNTEER CORPS Ernest Jay Manalo, Lizette
McGuire, Daniel John Padilla, Gerald Goco Martin, Princess Bubblegum Habla, Kerwin the Frog, Neil Patrick Liwag, Pia Charis Pempengco, Noemi Watts, Joanne Pauline Luna, John Zeus of
Mount Olympus, Ariane Marielle Rodriguez, Kesselena Gomez
*For ballot recounting
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News
ESTRANDED AND LIMLIM FACE-OFF
VOTERS DISAPPOINTED
O
n March 8, former President
Joshet “Epal na Rich Actor and
President (ERAP)” Estranded
and incumbent Manila Mayor Alfresco
“Dumi’t Haggard” Limlim, the two
mayoralty candidates of Manila,
continued their highly intellectual and
issue-oriented debate at the College of
Assholes and Shitheads (CAS) Little
Theater.
The debate and forum, dubbed
“Thrilla in UP Manila”, was organized
by CAS and the College of Pubic Hair
(CPH). Hosted by Department of Ants
and Cockroaches (DAC) Professor
Ryan Pastillas and Uberly Sensitive
Chameleons (USC) Councilor Ka-neen
Sampaloc, the forum was intended to
be a venue for the candidates to answer
questions and issues directly concerning
UP Manila students.
IT’S RAINING MUD
In his opening statement, Limlim
promised the removal of illegal vendors
around the UP Manila campus in “two
weeks.” He also blamed the Madaya’t
Man-Durugas Authority (MMDA) for
the perennial flooding in Shaft Avenue,
and Padre Fafa and Cherie Gil Streets.
On the other hand, Estranded
lamented widespread poverty in the
city. He also highlighted the increasing
criminality in Manila, citing a report
“made by UP professors” at least 200
times throughout the entire event.
“This is a report made by UP professors. I am not just saying these things.
This is from a report made by UP
professors,” Estranded asserted.
Consequently, Limlim responded to
Estranded’s allegation of the increasing
number of carnapping cases under his
term by citing newspaper reports.
“Konti lang naman ‘yun. At saka
yung iba nabalik naman eh. Okay na
‘yun,” he said.
While Limlim was speaking,
Estranded held up newspaper clippings
showing the increasing number of
carnapping incidents in a very mature
and respectful manner.
Furthermore, Limlim later went on
the offensive by bringing up Estranded’s
plumber charge.
“Kung totoong inosente siya, bakit
siya na-convict? Bakit hindi siya nagappeal sa Sakim Court (SC)? At higit
sa lahat, bakit niya tinanggap iyong
cordon na binigay ni Giant na Maraming Ailments (GMA)?” Limlim argued.
Still, Estranded continued to undermine Limlim’s work by noting the lack
of facilities and equipment in hospitals
across the city.
“Nagpapatayo siya ng mga bagong
building, wala namang laman. Hindi
tulad ng bulsa ko pagkatanggal sakin sa
pwesto, maraming laman,” he stated.
Subsequently, Limlim responded
to this by saying, “Hindi po totoong
walang laman ‘yung mga ospital na
pinapatayo natin. Tingnan niyo ‘yang
Puro Gasgas Hospital (PGH)... diba,
eh, ano, basta ako hindi na-convict ng
plumber!”
QUESTION-AND-SEGUE PORTION
With repeated pleas from the hosts,
mkulet April 26, 2013
particularly Professor Pastillas, the
candidates finally agreed to begin
answering the students’ questions.
However, when asked about their
opinion on the Pan-de-salan oil depot,
both Estranded and Limlim spent their
allotted time continuing to trade barbs
with each other. Estranded claimed that
Limlim tearfully appealed to the late
presidential candidate Facundo Pose Jr.
to be included in his 2004 senatorial
line-up, while Limlim brought up Estranded’s ouster from Malacanang and
subsequent conviction on corruption
charges.
Similarly, when asked for their
concrete solutions to the issue of flooding, Limlim blamed MMDA, while
Estranded boasted that there was no
major flooding in San Juan during his
15 years as mayor.
Moreover, when asked by a student
how they plan to make the university’s
surroundings safer, Limlim reiterated
that he would remove all sidewalk
vendors and illegal terminals within the
vicinity. Estranded, however, simply
stated that it is the mayor’s responsibility to keep the police force in check.
“May lagay ‘yang mga vendors na
iyan. Meron kasing dalawang klase ng
pulis: may pulis na maliwanag, at may
pulis na madilim. Este, pulis sa liwanag
at pulis sa dilim pala. Hehe,” Estranded
said.
In their closing statements, Estranded asserted for the nth time that he was
born, raised, and later found popularity
in Manila, thus he wanted to dedicate
the remaining years of his life to it.
Conversely, Limlim ended by saying that a man convicted of plumber
should not become mayor of Manila,
even holding up a wanted poster of the
former President.
“Mr. President, pagmumukha mo
ang nasa poster na ito. Hindi ako.
Nagpapakita ka ng newspaper clippings
kanina habang nagsasalita ako? Pwe!
Ikaw, dyaryo lang, ako, poster!” Limlim
argued.
LACKLUSTER PERFORMANCE
The Oblation expressed his discontent
with the two candidates’ conduct and
attitude.
“Bakit naman ganoon ang ginawa
nila? Porke’t ba brown ang kulay ko
ngayon, puro mudslinging ang ginawa
nila imbes na sagutin nang maayos at
diretsahan ang mga tanong?”
In addition, UP Manila Cancellor
Nangmulto, who sat in between the
two candidates throughout the entire
event, aired his own concerns.
“Talaga? Inatake lang ba nila ang
isa’t-isa sa mahigit 3 oras na iyon? Hindi
kasi ako maka-focus sa tindi ng amoy.
Amoy matanda. Pero off the record na
lang ‘yun ha,” he stated.
Finally, Diamond, a 4th year student
in the sky, shared who she has decided
to vote come election day.
“Wala. Wala akong iboboto sa
kanilang dalawa kasi parehas silang
hindi maka-move on sa past. Basta ako,
beautiful.”
By Carlo Rey Jepsen
Ambassadors for peace UPM’s USC35 strikes a pose with North Korea’s Supreme Leader
Kim Jong-un during the first stop of their USC35 World Tour. Where will they go next?
POLICE BRIEFS (EWW)
BABAE, MANYAK NA PADYAK PATAY
MATAPOS MABANGGA
*Babala: Masyadong maselan ang
mga impormasyong mababanggit sa
artikulong ito.*
P
atay ang isang di-alam
kung anong edad na batang
babae at holdaper na pedicab
driver matapos mabangga ng isang
malaking trak ng isda ang sinasakyan
nilang pedicab isang gabing madilim
sa ilalim ng buwan.
Ayon sa mga nakakitang tindero ng
fishball at sariwang mangga, sumakay
ang nakasuot ng miniskirt na biktima
sa pedicab na minamaneho ng suspek
bandang alas-dose. Kung tanghali o
hatinggabi, hindi nila matandaan,
ngunit halata raw na nagmamadali ito.
Agad siyang pinasakay ng suspek at
kumaripas din ng padyak.
Ayon sa nakalap ng pulisyang testimonya mula sa isang mapagmatyag
na batang rugby, matapos mailigaw
ang biktima, nagdeklara ng holdap
ang suspek at nagtangkang nakawan
ng halik ang dalaga at nang hindi
sumang-ayon at pumalag ang huli,
sinubukan niya itong pagsamantalahan. Hindi nagtagal ang pagmamanyak ng pedicab driver dahil agad na
nabangga ng isang malaking trailer
truck na may kargang sariwang isda
na dadalhin sana sa isang palengke
sa Maynila na hindi raw maaaring
pangalanan dahil sensitibo sa imahe ng
pamilihan.
Nalasog ng mga natapong hito
at bangus ang katawan ng suspek,
habang dead on arrival naman sa isang
di-kilalang ospital ang biktima.
“Namatay siya sa lakas ng tama ng
sasakyan at isda sa kanya, her ribs were
broken, and vital signs were absent
before she even got to the operating
room. Pero pwede ring namatay siya
sa sobrang lansa,” sabi ng doktor. Kinumpirma rin ng mediko na may mga
marka ng panghahalay ang biktima.
Ayon naman sa isang saleslady na
katrabaho umano ng biktima, magkasama pa raw silang kumain nang
gabing iyon dahil pagod sila galing sa
SM Robinson’s Town Center.
Magkasabay pa raw silang lumabas
ng biktima sa Mang Donald’s bago sila
naghiwalay.
Ayon sa saleslady, Employee of the
Month pa raw ang biktima.
“Sayang wala na kong kasabay sa
pagkain. Masipag pa naman siya kasi
kahit trabaho ko minsan siya na ang
nagawa,” ani ng saleslady.
“Dapat talaga dinadagdagan ang
seguridad dito sa may madilim na
parte ng kalsada,” dagdag pa niya.
Hati naman ang opinyon ng mga
nakikipagpatinterong pedestrian sa
nangyaring insidente. Para sa mga
manong na naglalaro ng chess sa
pinakamalapit na barber shop, pareho
lang daw na may kasalanan ang pedicab driver at ang dalaga.
“E kasi naman kalagitnaan ng
gabi, magsusuot ng maikli, ayan
tuloy napag-iinteresan ng mga adik
sa kanto,” wika ng isa. “Pero buti nga
dun sa senglot na yun, bagay lang
talaga sa kanya ang nangyari,”dagdag
pa niya.
Gayunpaman, ayon sa isang pakialamerong estudyante ng UP Manila
na nagmamakaawang maisingit sa
interbyu, hindi dapat na sisihin ang
babae dahil hindi naman kasalanan
ng maikli niyang uniporme ang pagtatangka ng manyak. “Luku-luko lang
talaga ang nag-iisip na dahil nakaminiskirt eh pwedeng tirahin,”dagdag pa
niya.
Bilang tugon sa insidente, nagbuo
ng bagong taskforce si Abnoynoy
upang imbestigahan ang mga kaso
ng rape sa Pilipinas na pinangalanang
Team Halay. Tututukan din umano ng
pulisya ang pagronda sa mga madilim
na kalsada.
Samantala, nagdonate naman ang
Meralco ng bagong mga ilaw sa paligid
ng Maynila upang makatulong, pero
dahil mahal na ang kanilang generation charge, mapuputulan daw ito ng
kuryente sa susunod na linggo.
By Leonard Hofstadter Javier
3
News
KALIDAD NG EDUKASYON SA
PILIPINAS, TULUYANG BUMABABA
DOE: “KASALANAN ITO NI DAMNIEL JAN PADILA!”
A
yon sa pinakabagong
datos na inilabas ng Nakaka-
lokang Statistics Credible Ba
(NSCB) at ng Departamento ng Edukachos (DOE), pang-42 na lang ang
Pilipinas sa 45 na bansa na lumahok sa
isang pag-aaral tungkol sa kahusayan sa
Mathinik, Sciyads, at Englisp ng mga
mag-aaral.
Nanindigan naman ang DOE na
ang pagbaba ng kalidad ng edukasyon sa Pilipinas ay hindi dahil sa
kakulangan sa mga libro, silid-aralan,
at guro, kung hindi sa patuloy na
pamamayagpag sa telebisyon ng teen
heartthrob na si Damniel Jan Padila.
DOE BLAMES DEEJAY
Sa isang pahayag ng kalihim ng DOE
na si Bro. Armin Louielouielouiestro,
isiniwalat niya ang kanilang itinatagong
lihim tungkol sa isyu na ito.
“Matagal na naming napapansin
ang kakaibang epekto ng kasikatan ni
Damniel Padila sa mga kabataan. Pinili
lang naming itago ang isyu na ito dahil
pinag-aralan pa naming mabuti. Ngunit ngayon, hindi na natin maitatanggi
na sa sobrang lakas ng kamandag ni
Deejaaay ay maraming bata ang hook
na hook sa kanya,” sabi ng kalihim.
At ayon kay Sec. Louielouielouiestro, itong pagka-hook kay “Deejaaay”
ng mga kabataan ang dahilan kung bakit tuluyan na ngang nagmumukhang
bumababa ang kalidad ng edukasyon sa
Pilipinas.
Sa isang survey na ginawa ng
Sinusuhulang Wagas na Survey (SWS),
tatlo sa bawat limang estudyante ang
mas pinipiling dumalo sa mga mall
show ni Damniel Padila kaysa pumasok
sa paaralan. Bukod pa rito, dalawa
sa bawat limang kabataan ngayon
ang ginugugol ang kanilang oras sa
pagtingin ng mga litrato ni Damniel
sa Internet kaysa magbasa ng libro sa
bahay o sa silid-aklatan.
Samantala, pinili naman ng
Cheverloo Higher Education Decayers
(CHED) ang manatiling tikom sa usaping ito. Napag-alaman ng MKulet na di
umano’y abala ang nasabing ahensya sa
pagtunganga at pagsasawalang bahala sa
pagtaas ng matrikula sa mga kolehiyo at
unibersidad.
“Sarreh, we’re kinda busy rayt now.
You know, there’s many many many
problems pah, like the protesta for
tuition moratorium. We’re kinda busy
watching pa the people protest,” ani
ng secretary ni CHED Chairperson
Pachuchay Likuan via phone call.
Nagbigay din ng pahayag ang
CHED Executive Director na si Jolino
B3YOLO upang suportahan ang pagiging tahimik ng CHED sa isyung ito sa
pamamagitan ng Twitter.
“Sup mah brothaz from the D-OE!!! We gonna hush ‘coz we busy wit
our grillz, yo!! Peace out! #MedyoBadBoy #YOLO”pahayag ng tweet.
HATERS GONNA HATE
Sa kabilang dako naman, ayon naman
4
kay Kathryn Bernadette Sembrano,
presidente ng DJsters, ang opisyal na
fans club ni Damniel, hindi dapat
sisihin ang kanilang idolo kung bakit
bumababa ang kalidad ng edukasyon sa
ating bansa.
“Hindi po kasalanan ni DJ kung
gwapo siya at hot kahit naka-pantalon
at t-shirt na puti lamang siya. Hindi
rin po niya kasalanan kung bakit nakakatunaw ang kanyang mga tingin
at nakaka-in love ang kanyang boses.
‘Wag niyo naman sana husgahan si DJ.
Haters gonna hate,” ani Sembrano.
“Inggit lang siguro kayo,” dagdag pa
niya.
Samantala, naghayag din ng suporta
ang iba pang mga taga-hanga ni Padila.
Naglabas ng di umano’y isang makabuluhang bidyo ang isang hardcore
fan, kung saan ipinamalas niya ang
kanyang galing sa pag-iyak-tawa habang
sinisigaw ang palayaw ni Padila.
“DEEEEEEEEEJAAAAYYY!
HUHUHUAHAHAHAHA.
DEEEEEJAAAAYYY!!!! Pramis, totoo
po to, hindi po ‘to plastic,” sigaw ng dalaga na itatago na lamang sa pangalang
Hardcore Deejay Fan.
Taliwas din sa mga pahayag ng
DOE, ayon sa ginawang pag-aaral ng
mga dalubhasa mula sa BIRD Foundation, ang pagbaba raw ng kalidad ng
edukasyon ay dahil sa mababang badyet
na ibinibigay ng gobyerno para sa
edukasyon.
“Tatlong porsyento lang ng ating
Grabeng Dinedengkwat na Pera (GDP)
ang inilalaan ng gobyerno para sa sektor
ng edukasyon. Ito ay malayo sa pitong
porsyento na ibinibigay ng mga karatigbansa natin tulad ng Maymalaynasiya
para sa edukasyon. Dahil sa mababang
badyet, nagkakaroon ng kakulangan
sa libro, silid-aklatan, sweldo sa mga
guro at iba pang kagamitan para sa mga
eskwelahan.”
Sa isang panayam, nakuha ng
Mkulet ang reaksyon ni Damniel Padila
tungkol sa mga isyung ibinabato sa
kanya. Ani Padila, sa tingin niya ay wala
naman siyang kinalaman sa isyu na ito.
“Hende ke elem keng beket eke eng
senesese nele se pegbebe ng keleded ng
edekesyen se bense. Beste eng elem ke,
nepepeseye et nepepekeleg ke eng eking
mge fens. Hende ke nemen segere keselenen keng mehel ne mehel nile eke.
Se eking mge fens, nesenye ne eng lehet
menemehel ke keye pegket nesenye
ne eng lehet pete eng pese ke…” ani
Padila.
BAD BOY BOUT
Sa kabilang dako ng mundo naman,
nagagalit dahil sa di umano’y matinding
insecurity ang isa ring teen heartthrob
na sumasayad ang bangs sa noo tulad ni
Padila. Ayon sa kampo ni Justine Bibe,
uma-attitude di umano kamakailan ang
kanilang “star.”
“Justine’s really sad ‘cause she was
never able to achieve that bad boy image. Oops. Whereas this Padila guy’s fa-
UPM POLITICAL PARTIES COMMIT
BLUNDERS AFTER ERECTION SEASON
BIGKITH INTRODUCES PRONUNTHIATION GUIDE,
AR-KAY LOSES TIRAHAN
A
fter the 2013 Unibersi-
dad ng Pilas-pilas Manilaspag
(UPM) Uberly Sensitive Chameleons (USC) Erections, both parties
have stopped ranting on Facebook
and decided to start making noise in
the real world in preparation for the
next erections. BIGKITH is busy with
brain damage control while Ar-Kay is
looking for a new home after losing in
their home college.
TREND
BIGKITH BRINGS NEW TRENDS
After the deny lang phenomenon that
became widespread in UPM, BIGKITH once again brought a whole
new sensation which allegedly caused
intellectual disability to numerous
students. Listed below are the trends
detected by the Departamento ng
Edukachos (DOE):
DESCRIPTION
COUNTERATTACK
Extra Rice Above the
Propaganda
Hypersensitivity to black
propaganda
Release of another
black propaganda AKA
KFart Bakamagalet
Binarang Liham
Delayed response to
matters concerning
Unibersidad ng Pilaspilas Manilaspag
Closed letter to be read
in a closed meeting
behind a closed door
with close friends
OH FEE
Omitting the letter T
when pronouncing
words, thereby creating
new words
Release of MS Paintproduced infographic
Oral Care
Forgetting that Haliya
Lagotka is the chair of
Gab Yella
O-WASHing of hands
and mouth
Di Over Exaggerated
Forgetting that the Department of Education
is actually DepEd and
not DOE
Watching less pornography, making less tambay
at the Rapists Hall
Lobby and stalking the
Stupid Rambo Cleavage
Arguelagi
Table 1 BIGKITH trends along with their counterattack
These new trends have allegedly
caused speech blunders to nineteen
students. Its side effects are known
as Thean Kilikilimo, Charkakamon
and Chikkolai Humataw. BIGKITH
devised a pronunthiation guide to help
SIDE EFFECT
*Thean Kilikilimo
the students adjust to their newfound
speech disorder.
As an income generating project,
Mkulet has been given the permission
to release the pronunthiation guide in
this issue.
AFFECTED WORD
USE IN A SENTENCE
Before: Sponsor Now: Ithponthor
Thi Thean pala Knorr
ang ithponthor? Grabe,
I want my own ad rin tha
fb! I wanna be thikat rin!
Huhukelth.
Before: Abs Now: Abth
Inthead of thaking your
hand, can I pleathe
thake your abth?
Ahihihihi. Thige, itotodo
ko na, haploth your abth
na, pleathe!
Before: USC Bakit nung tumatakbo
Now: U Eth C
siyang U Eth C counthilor pinapakita niya
abth niya? Ba’t ngayon
hindi na?
Charkakamon
Before: Kasangga Now: Charkasangga
Yung curls niya ba ang
charkasangga ng noo
niya? Does it give protection to her forehead?
Before: Karamay
Now: Charkaramay
Aww, wala siyang
charkaramay from
the slate sa kanyang
charkamake-up,
charkakels!
CONTINUED ON PAGE 10
mkulet April 26, 2013
News
Charkakamon
(continued)
Before: Kaloka
Now: Charkaloka
Charkaloka, she’s wearing underwear na! She
has pambili na, good
for her!
Chikkolai Humataw
Before: Oral
Now: Oral na bastos
Nasubukan mo na ba
mag-oral? Bihasa ang
long tongue ko diyan.
Before: Chikinini
Now: Chikinining bastos
pa rin
You know what comes
before oral? Chikinini!
O sige baby, kung ayaw
mo, blow my whistle na
lang. If you know what
I mean.
Table 2 BIGKITH trends’ side effects
*Note: Allegedly, the trick behind the pronunthiation in Thean Kilikilimo lieth on your ability
to carefully plathe your tongue below your two front teeth every time you pronounth a word
with “s”. You will find thith eathy if you’re adept in oral. Oopth.
Moreover, it has been reported that
the nineteen affected students have
been dispalying kasabawan. Laswa Dinabata, however, proposes that if they
were aware of leptospirosis, they would
not be sabaw.
AR-KAY LOSES TIRAHAN AND
DIGNITY
While BIGKITH is busy with Twitter
hashtagging all their trends, Ar-Kay is
looking for a new home after losing
their tirahan to Tugs-Tugs Tiyan and
realizing that they cannot afford a unit
at the University Tower.
After the announcement of the
erection results, Cancellor Nangmulto
issued a memorandum on Forced Layas
o Alis Tambayan (FLOAT), leaving
Ar-Kay threatened with homelessness.
“Given that the new CAS Char is
not from Ar-Kay, I, Cancellor Nangmulto, shall now issue a Force Layas o
Alis Tambayan memorandum to make
way for Tiyan and company to have a
place of their own,” said Nagmulto in
the memorandum 16669, or Ar-Kay’s
FLOAT.
Ar-kay, on the other hand, condemned the act, as usual.
“This is sad. This is an injustice!
Napaka-anti student talaga,” said incoming USC Char Licealiz Jubilee in a very
agit tone. “Why are people so intent on
marginalizing the already marginalized
progressive groups? Kawawa naman
kami.”
Furthermore, Jubilee also expressed
her concern over the welfare of the
cockroaches, mosquitoes and mice in
the former tambayan.
“And what about the pests occupying the Ar-Kay tambayan, este the CAS
SC office? Please, at least spare them,”
begged Jubilee.
Nagmulto, however, said that with
the help of Tiyan’s muscle strength, the
former tambayan shall be demolished,
and the “pests” Ar-Kay is keeping will
be forced to move out. Nagmulto
added that this is also for the imminent
Peste, Andito Ang Salot! Contra Us!
(PAASCU) accreditation.
Moreover, Nagmulto suggested
that Ar-Kay should try to befriend the
members of Bigkith, as it “may be a
very advantageous relationship.”
“If left without a choice, you can
always befriend BIGKITH. Friendship
with them comes with benefits (believe
me, I should know!). They might
give you some of their units at the
mkulet April 26, 2013
University Tower. If that happens, your
new tirahan will have a very decent
bathroom so you can take a shower
after every rally. You’ll smell fresh for
the class that you’ve never attended,”
Nagmulto quipped.
Other members of Ar-Kay also
expressed their rage by holding a rally
outside the Office of the Cancellor. The
rally, however, only lasted for ten-fifteen
minutes because there was no media to
cover the said activity.
Furthermore, Jubilee claims that
the problem Ar-Kay is currently faced
with is similar to that of the progressive
party-lists running in the 2013 midterm elections. But of course, people do
not care about that anymore.
“I think progressive groups only do
violent stuff. They talk big, but I really
don’t see anything substantial,” said a
random UPM student.
In addition, Tiyan is firm in his
belief that only about 10-20 students
involve themselves in rallies at present.
“That’s what I’m trying to say!”
reiterated Tiyan.
When asked about the apparent
irrelevance of progressive groups and
activism at present, Ayan A. Sabaw
said that he is still preoccupied with
the overflowing amount of blood he
acquired as the USC Councilor for
Health last year.
“Sorry. Mukhang nasobrahan ako sa
blood drive, “ Sabaw admitted.
After the rally outside the Office of
the Cancellor, other Ar-Kay members
have allegedly accepted their fate and
started looking for a cheap apartment near UPM.
“But Ar-Kay’s so poor that we
cannot even afford the cheapest
apartment,” incoming USC
Councilor Haliya Lagotka cried.
“I’ve already asked O-WASH
if they could let us stay in their
office for a while... But they
haven’t responded yet.”
As of press time, MKulet has
not been able to acquire statements
from other Ar-Kay members
because they are allegedly too busy
looking for a new place to stay. ArKay, however, left a note stating that
they will be back to regain their
tambayan along with their dignity
in their home college.
By Krish Aquino and
Queen Elizabeth Fodulla
H
ALLER MAH AFOWZ! ITZ SOW
jineeeet! Zummer’s hir nah!
Taguhktuhk ang fawiz ng lowlah
niyow, farang nasa zauna ebrideiebrinayt! Heniwey lezz ol be happey na
coz tafoz na ang second semeztur sa
wokos! So many haffeningz nung nakataraang sem noh?!? En nakaraang
skul yir por dat mater... Akala ko wititit
matatafos ang mga gawain ng mga
afows ko. Kalerqui!!! But oh well, it’s
ovah now. Relaksung relaksung din
pag may tym.
So farah naman mej mafasaya koh
kayong mga afows koh, lemme meyks
kwento tu yu na lung. Don’t weri, it’s
sumting about da peyborit topic of
ebriwan... Sparks. Harhar charawts!
Dis may sound so super antique... But let
me tell you bowt my pers lab. Yes, pers lab.
En no, witchikels toh tungkol kay Lolo
Upo niyo... Minzan zah aking layf, nagmohol akeshki ng jivang lalaque. Jisa siyang
frince zharming...Super fafah tologoh! At
abab ol, super bagay kame! Harharhar! <3
Eet ol started bak wen jisa pa lomong
akeshki na byutipul na dilag noon. Parang
ganitong season din yown, sunny sunny
sunny day! Wala akong lab lyf nun kaya
lumabas ako ng haus farah maghanap!
Char! Akshuli, jinutusan ako ng aking
minomohol na mudrakels na bumili ng
vinegar sa suking store. Otw to da store,
mej natapilok ang lowlah niyo.
Tafos may nag-avot sa aken ng kamay
with big, looong fingers!!! Agad ko namang
ginrab ang opportunity - este - ang help.
Pagtayo ko, it wuz so awkwardina coz
supah pogi ni koyahhh! Jackpot teh!!!
Harhar! Saveh niya, “Miss, okey lang u?”
Saveh ko, “O-oo nomon,” with matching stutter pah and hihi sa dulo. Sparks
chuchuchu ebriwer! Ayoko sana meyks
let go ng kamay niya kaso biglang narinig
kong suma-shout out si mudrakels. Wer na
daw da vinegar. So ayun, mej awkwardina
ang aming faghihiwalay. Mukhasim na lang
akesh.
Morning hanggang gabi, nasa isip
koh siya. Nabaliwag ata me sa kanya...
Hanggang sa dumating na ang araw ng
pers day op kalej! Sa YuFiEm ako nafadfad.
Nakilala ko mga blokmeyts
en klasmeyts ko, pati
mga froppie! Happy na
happy! Mej nakalimutan ko na si koyang
naka-sparks ko.
Until jisang
araw, nagfafaka-good
girl ako sa
jisang tabe,
studying
por my
pers YuFi
quiz eber
nang
may
biglang
tumabi
sa aking
koya...
“Eyow
poh, alala
mo pa me?”
Saveh niya.
Familee ang
voice! Laking
surprise ko
nung makita
kong si koyang
pogee ‘yung
nasa haraf koh.
OW-EM-JI. “Aqouh nga pala si Adalentado
Minola. Wat poh name mu?” At doon niya
muling hinawakan ang aking Perla soft and
silky hands. Wiz nagtagal, naging kame.
Hihihihi. <3
Puno ng labb ang releyshenship namin.
Umaafaw! Parang jumujulanis morisette
ng labb ebridei! Marame kaming fangarap.
Byutihpul dreamsss. Jisa na doon ang maghavey at mag-alaga ng mga babiez at afows!
Hihi. We wir so perpek, saveh ng iba.
Kaso, saveh nga sa kanta ni Kalurky
Clarkson... “perpek couldn’t keep dis lab
alayb...” Pinagjiwalay kami ng mga peyrents
ni labbs. Heaven kasi siya, samantalang ako
nomon daw ay galing sa lufah. Patola daw
kase, kayey dafat sa lufah ako manatiley.
Herkeeeey.
Wan day...
“Can we just be friends?” Ansaveh ni
koyah. “I can’t take it anymore. Let’s break
up. I’m sorry.” Nyareh sa speech niya,
tanongsung ko sa aking self.
Et’s so heartbreaking. Akala ko strong
kame... ‘yun pala, akesh lang ang strong.
Vumigay si koyah, sinukuan ang labb
namen. Huhukelya!!! Mula noon ay never
say never nang nag-cross ang aming paths.
Nafadfad siya sa 8th ploor ng ivory tower sa
heaven, naiwan me ditey sa baba at nagsilbi
bilang sumvungan ng mga afows. En di
nagtogol, dumating din sa aking lyf si Lolo
Upo. Poreber going strong beybeh! <3
He’s till alayb today. Alayb na alayb mga
teh! ‘Yown nga lung e nagvago ang lowloh
niyo. Kung noon, ubod siya ng goodnezz
and medyo jejeness, ngayon, mas bad pa
siya sa bad bad bad bhoi. Nakalimutan
niya ang aming dreams. Nagkaroon din
siya ng afows... Butt maging mga afows
niya e nagsusumvong zah akesh. Medyo big
meanie daw lowloh nila at wiz naghi-hear
out ng mga jinaing nilang mga afows... So
sad. Huhukelya.
Heniwey, dats di end op my story. Oha.
Farang akesh naman ang nagsumvong sa
inyo, my beloved afows! Harharharhar! May
messej lang me por that sumbadeh that I
used to know...
Wish ko lang maalala mo ‘yung ating
lumipas na season... ‘yung season kung saan
finangarap natin ang byutiful future ng mga
utaws sa surroundings, lalo na ng ating mga
kasalukuyang afows... Listen listen din sa jinaing ng mga schudents
pag may tym,
en i bilib dis is part
op our
job, kaya may tym
tologo
‘yown. Magvalik
loov
na sa mga
schudents,
herkey? Lezz meyk
love, not war wit
ze
schudents. Herkey
vah? Labyu teh!
(noon).
O sha, jian
nagwowokos
ang aking
kwento. Hope
it meyd you
kilig da way
Maya and Ser
Chip meyk you
kilig. Charawt!
Hab a hot,
sizzlinggg and
happee summer
my afows!
And kongretshuleyshens
sa mga grajweyts! Hurrey!
Labyah! Mwah
mwah tsup
tsuppp! :-* <3
5
Features
MKulet TOP TEN
TOP TEN PERSONALITIES
HEART EVANGELISTA &
CHIZ ESCUDERO
Heart maintains that she will never
give up on her relationship with
Chiz, despite the rumors working
against them. The allegations
against Chiz Escudero – being
a drunkard and a disrespectful
man – are not enough to weaken
their relationship that according to
Heart on an interview, “makes her
happy.” On the other hand, surveys
regarding the national elections say
that Escudero’s ranking among the
other candidates slid – a possible
effect of the issue he is currently
facing with her girlfriend. So, on a
scale of one to highly irrelevant,
how much do you care about their
relationship?
KRIS AQUINO & JAMES
YAP
Aside from the forbidden love affair
of Heart and Chiz, the unabridged
love and war story of the Queen
of All Media Kris Aquino and her
ex-husband, PBA basketball star
James Yap also attracted more media attention than critical national
issues such as the Sabah standoff
and the thinning hair of the president. The dispute was allegedly
brought about by James’ desire to
have more time with their inquisitive child, Bimby, but Kris firmly refused to give James the chance. In
order to protect their child, she announced in an extremely annoying
and time-consuming interview that
she will cancel all her shows and
quit showbiz, to which Archbishop
Oscar Cruz referred as her turning
point from showbiz to politics, citing
“credible administration sources.”
Let us be sympathetic and give
Kris the chance. If she wins, Viel
Aquino-Dee will finally break her
silence for God’s sake.
GRACE POE
Meanwhile, recent SWS surveys
suggest that there has been a constant rise in popularity of former
MTRCB chair Grace Poe, daughter
of Fernando Poe Jr., making her
one of the favorites in this year’s
senatoriable race. Experts see this
as the result of her self-declared
title as the “treader of her dad’s
path.” If she’s really inclined to
follow her dad’s footsteps, why on
earth didn’t she try for starring role
in an action film?
MAYOR LIM & ERAP
In local politics, however, the starstudded mayoral election in the city
of Manila intensifies. Incumbent
mayor and returning candidate
Mayor Alfredo Lim started the
ball rolling as he threw sticks and
stones to his rival, former President
Joseph Estrada, and questioned
6
his contributions to San Juan, the
Philippines, and the Heart-Chiz
affair. On the other hand, recent
surveys reveal that Erap is likely to
be declared the winner, to which
Mayor Lim angrily threw a fit,
“Lunurin ang mga nag-survey sa
Lagusnilad!” Whatever the case,
the winner in this year’s election
will also receive the Metro Manila
Film Festival Best Actor Award
for their movie “Thrilla in Manila:
Asiong Salonga versus Dirty Harry.”
The candidates, therefore, seek the
help of Manileños and the intervention of the all-knowing Quiapo
fortune tellers to win that most
coveted position.
I
A GUIDE TO THE
NATIONAL ELEC
t’s that time of the year again – as deception abounds, sound arguments, logic, and
the people, it’s all about popularity and power. Forget genuine and feasible platforms, it’
should be excommunicated for choosing supposed anti-life measures, the gates of hell w
might accommodate during election season, with the mere sin of lying.
In memoriam of the genuine democracy that the country should
attai
that are sure to keep things interesting in the 2013 elections. If
you
of them, keep in mind that they at least serve one purpose
BAM AQUINO
His greatest asset with regard to
grabbing the desired position is his
connections with “very important
people” in the history of the country – being the nephew of the late
Ninoy and Cory Aquino, and cousin
of the incumbent leader of the
Philippines. He also volunteered for
house-building with Gawad Care
(let us forget that photo of him
building houses with dry cement).
Let us all give a chance to Bam
who’ll definitely bring more shame
to that prized family name – just
one of his other cousins. Such a
BAM-my.
RYZZA MAE DIZON
“The smallest and youngest TV
show host” – this is how showbiz
boosts her popularity. After gaining
the sympathy of the public through
the story of her life on “Forevermore” and making the people
laugh through her Cha-cha dance,
she now wants to have the support
of the masses for her candidacy.
Also, Ryzza advocates oral hygiene
and as a result, promises that she
will file a bill entitled “Free Pustiso
to All Bill.” She definitely should
have that seat in the Senate to help
the public forget of all the issues
the country faces, at the expense
of public welfare and issues. Oh
well, you can’t have it all.
SUPREME COURT
JUSTICES
The elites, magnates and millionaires rose to their feet and cried
for joy after the Supreme Court recently set new rules with regard to
the partylist system. This decision
mainly stipulates that the partylist
system is not limited to represent
the marginalized and underrepresented. Way to go, Justices! You
just killed the partylist system.
Next midterm elections, COMELEC
confirmed that ballots will have two
sides to accommodate thousands
of partylists permitted by this new
ruling.
mkulet April 26, 2013
Features
N
E 2013
CTIONS
d plain common sense deteriorate rapidly. Forget
t’s all about fake promises and lies. If Team Patay
will be overwhelmed by the number of souls it
ain, here are the top ten personalities and party-lists
u find yourself gnarling with anger at the thought
e – to make us all laugh.
TOP TEN PARTYLISTS
TEAM TATAY
In fulfillment of their vows to
continue interfering in the country’s politics and governance, the
Catholic clergy established Team
Tatay with its propaganda entitled
“Team Patay and Team Buhay” to
guide the people in voting. This
is to guide the people, and not to
influence them – nowhere is this
near the mockery of the principle
of the separation of the Church and
State. Oh, and what Catholic vote?
Moreover, they will also continue
to hoard condoms and block free
access to reproductive health.
These, after all, would constitute a
pro-life advocacy.
DAMNIEL PADILA FANS
He is taking the Philippines by
storm, and the hearts (and panties)
of his avid fans with him. Damniel
Padila, known for his side-swept
bangs and voice (that sounds like
he’s forced to sing while all the
while, he is under the spell of LBM),
is said to be the country’s next
leading man (after Piolo Pascual
and Sam Milby *ahem* paminta
*ahem*). With this, his legions
of fans are taking their fandom
to the next level by establishing a
party-list so that they could push
for the needs of the marginalized
Damniel Padila fans in the government. They demand quality time
and affection from their idol. A few
tours, hugs, and touches would do
as well. If they win, they also plan
to change the Philippine national
anthem to “Nese ‘ye ne eng lehet”.
#MedyoBadPeople #DEEEEEJAAAAAAY
AA-KASOSYO
The growing number of partylists’
names beginning with the letter
“A” provoked the AA-Kasosyo to
have a double A in their name, with
the hopes of being first noticed
by Filipino voters in the ballot.
However, their tactic has failed,
for many also began their names
with the number “1.” In light of this
failure, AA-Kasosyo plans to change
their name to “1-AA-Kasosyo” for
the next elections, and eventually to “1111111-AA-Kasosyo” for
maximum effect.
KINGDOM PLANTAE
According to a February 2013
SWS survey, 13% of Filipinos
do not have love lives. With this
glaring fact, the single ladies and
men established a party-list to
represent this sizable portion of
the population in the legislature. Its
campaigns include the abolition of
Valentine’s Day, the penalization
of couples who feel like there’s
no tomorrow when making out
like snakes in public places, and
mkulet April 26, 2013
the “First come, first serve” bill
which aims to end friendzoning,
cyberzoning, and all types of zoning
by stipulating that one may not
deflect the advances of another if
approached for the possibility of
a romantic link. The party-list also
aims to curb the growing trend (or
epidemic) of halamanization.
PALMOLIVE NO COMB
REVOLUTION
After Gangnam Style (which became a staple in every Christmas
event and elementary culminating
program) and the Harlem Shake
(which is nothing but bat-crazy
dancing), here comes the newest
dance craze which will make even
hipsters abandon their creed of
“defying the mainstream”: “to
the left, to the right, umikot nang
sabay-sabay!” And why not? Since
the people have grown tired of
activism (some stated that activism
is passé), why not start a revolution
that will not only commodify beauty
but will also promote well-groomed
citizens? A party-list for psychedelics should better complement
an illusory legislature. Bye-bye suklay! Do the Palmolive finger comb!
I WIL SERVE
Here comes the me-sayad, este,
the messiah. We’ve always been
aware of an alien invasion, but
we never saw these coming!
Revillame’s foundation mainly
composed of old-fashioned fangirls
(pero may mga asim pa) becomes
a party-list. That will surely balance
Annabelle Rama’s domination in
Congress. If this party-list doesn’t
win, Filipinos might see another
“You don’t do that to me” outburst,
and perhaps yet another change in
the show’s title.
SANLAKAS
This party-list was held in contempt
by UP Manila students after
smearing the facade of the College
of Arts and Sciences at a time
when the University was in grief.
UP students have expressed their
hate for the partylist as seen in the
following tweets: ”@sexyGhurl18:
Okay na sana e, kaya lang, bakit si
Pascual? Medyo tanga lang?; “@
QhilabotzNgFHaura: Mas maganda
pa sulat ko dun e. Nahiya naman
‘yung sulat ng manok sa graffiti
niyo. #KinagandaNiyoYan” and
from “@OfficialPhilcare: T&*@ina
niyo, Sanlakas! Overworked, Underpaid at Underappreciated na nga
kami, dinagdagan niyo pa trabaho
namin! Pakyu po!” As of press time,
Sanlakas is said to be taking graffiti
lessons from TBS and Crips.
AKO BICOL
Critics say AKB’s leadership came
from an ex-friend. “It must be protested to the high heavens that Ako
Bicol is a party-list of the rich and
that they are close allies of the Gloria administration! Oh god!” stated
in the complaint filed against AKB.
Sadly, the high Supreme Court
did not acknowledge the Comelec
disqualification and granted AKB
a reprieve. After all, what could be
expected of a court still under the
control of the midget-in-the-wheelchair? AKB welcomed this reprieve
by saying, “You lost, commies!
Hangsaya-saya, no? Hihihi.”
ANG MATA’Y ALAGAAN
The tabloid controversy-filled
Congress sure does not run out of
blind items and this one is obvious.
The party is representing those
with eyesight difficulties – no pun
intended.
AKBAYAN
Despite the tirades delivered by national democratic groups, Akbayan
maintained that it is necessary for
them to have seats in the congress.
Its leaders were firm in denying
accusations of the party-list being
an extension of the Aquino administration, but stated that everyone
should cooperate with the current
administration. Comelec has also
recognized Akbayan as one of the
top violators of the election rules to
which Akbayan retaliated by saying,
“Brilliantes, lagot ka kay Daddy
PNoy. Lintik lang ang walang ganti.
#ResignResignDinPagMayTime”
In other news, former Akbayan
Representative and senatoriable
Risa Hontiveros (the next Asian
Songbird) decided to establish
an all-female singing, dancing,
and gyrating group to boost the
partylist’s popularity – the Walden
Bellos. If Akbayan wins in this election, Risa Hontiveros and P-Noy will
sing another duet. Que Horor! Que
Barbaridad!
By the MKulet25 Features
Committee
7
Culture
L
et’s talk about sex.
Medyo Mali. Medyo Awkward.
Medyo Nakakahiya. Ang hirap magusap tungkol sa sex kapag hindi naman
talaga bukas ang lipunan sa ganitong
usapan.
Hassle rin palang makipag-usap
tungkol sa mga titi at puke no? Akala
ko noon, nese ekin ne eng lehet. Yun
pala, takot akong magkwento. Pero
gusto ko talagang malaman mo, aking
mambabasa. Gusto kong sabay na
mawala ang takot natin sa paglalahad
ng mga Adventure Time sa kama. Ang
sarap siguro ng ganoong pakiramdam.
Kalayaan. Yung magkukuwento ka,
tapos walang mambabara sa iyo na:
“Ang bastos ng pinag-uusapan niyo,
naririnig ko! You don’t do that to me!”
UNANG KWENTO LIKE A VIRGIN
(TOUCHED FOR THE VERY FIRST
TIME)
Ang titi ay pinapasok sa puke. Pinapapasok ang puke ng titi. Simple lamang
ito – mas makapangyarihan ang titi
kaysa sa puke. Dahil ang tunay na
lalaki, magaling dapat makipag- sex.
Wala akong kwenta. Mas mabagal
pa sa pagong ang progress ng aking sex
life. Nagkaroon na nga ako ng tatlong
girlfriends, puro naman pa-tweetums.
Sabi kasi ni tatay, lahat ay nagsisimula sa halik – ‘wag ko daw sirain
ang buhay ko. Putcha, natakot naman
ako kaya todo iwas ako sa kahit anong
porma ng intimacy. Ayoko namang
mabugbog ng tatay ko kung sakaling
maka-buntis ako. Subalit, nagbago ang
lahat noong naging girlfriend ko siya.
“Tigress in bed” ang tawag sa kanya,
pero hindi naman ako makapaniwala
dahil ala-Maria Clara ang dating niya.
Naalala ko pa noong first monthsary namin. Shet, masasabi ko talagang
she rocked my world.
Matapos ko siyang sorpresahin sa isang
mamahaling restaurant, sinabi niya na
bibigyan niya rin ako ng regalo. Kung
ano man yun ay hindi na niya sinabi
– kahit anong pilit ko, ang usapan ay
nagtatapos lamang sa, “Basta ikatutuwa mo iyon.” Pagkatapos naming
kumain ay dinala niya ako sa kanyang
apartment. Doon nagsimula ang
lahat. Bago pa ako makapagtanong,
isang torrid kiss galing sa kanya ang
sumalubong sa akin. Nang hayaan na
akong makahinga ni Trina mula sa
nakaka-suffocate na halik niya, bigla
naman niya akong itinulak sa kama.
Sumunod ka lang sa akin, bulong
niya. Hinubad niya ang kanyang
damit hanggang bra at panty na lang
ang natitirang saplot sa katawan niya.
Nakakahiya pa na noong hubarin niya
ang pantalon ko, lumitaw ang boxer
short ko na Spongebob. Shit. Natawa siya, na sinabayan ko lang kahit
gusto kong lamunin na ako ng lupa
sa kahihiyan. Ang sexy raw ng naivety
ko, sabi niya, sabay hubad ng boxer
short ko. Sinubo niya nang parang
lollipop ang matigas kong titi. Hindi
pa siya kuntento, at hinubad niya ang
8
PARA KAY B AT V*
kanyang underwear at pinatikim ang
kanyang gabundok na mga suso at
pinakain ang kanyang namumulang
puke.
Sobrang bilis ng mga pangyayari.
Habang nakahiga ako, ipinapahawak
na niya ang mga suso niya samantalang siya ang pumatong sa titi ko
upang ipasok ito sa basa na niyang
lagusan. Hindi ko na inisip na mabawasan ang aking pagkalalaki – ang
mahalaga na lamang ay maipasok ko
ang aking nag-iinit na titi sa kanyang
malambot at masikip na puke. Mula
sa mabagal na paglabas-masok ko sa
kanya, unti-unting bumilis ang ritmo
ng aming paggalaw. Palakas nang
palakas ang aming ungol hanggang sa
marating na ng aming mga katawan
ang rurok ng ligaya, at tuluyan ko
nang ipaputok ang matagal ko nang
inipong kupal. Pareho kaming hinihingal at pawisan nang matapos, sabay
tanong niya sa akin kung nagustuhan
ko raw ang regalo ko for our monthsary. Tumango na lang ako noon nang
walang pagdududa.
Sa totoo lang, iyon ang una at
natatanging panahon na pinabayaan
ko ang sarili ko na mapasailalim sa
kontrol ng isang babae. Pinatunayan
niya sa akin na hindi sa lahat ng
pagkakataon ay submissive lang silang
mga babae, kundi kaya rin nilang
maging dominante, kahit sa sex. Sayang nga lang at hindi kami nagtagal.
Kaya kung nasaan ka man ngayon,
heto ang mensahe ko para sa iyo: fuck
you for fucking me instead of letting
me fuck you.
IKALAWANG KWENTO MAKING
LOVE (INTO THE NIGHT)
Ramdam ko pa rin ang bawat kamot
at hapdi sa aking katawan. Hindi
mapapalitan ng libo-libong piso ang
kawalan ng dignidad at kahihiyan na
aking kasalukuyang nararamdaman.
Gusto ko man na baguhin ang kwento
ng nakaraang gabi, wala na akong
magagawa dahil nakamarka na sa aking pagkatao ang mapait na kapalaran
na aking sinapit — isang kapalarang
nag-umpisa kagabi.
Ang pangit ng suot mo, sumbat
sa akin ni Tita. Ginalugad niya ang
aparador para makahanap ng mas
appropriate, este, skimpy na damit.
Paglabas namin ng silid, nakapila na
ang aking mga kasama na tila mga
batang naliligalig sa matamis na kendi.
Ang laki ng etits niya, di ko malaman
kung paano niya pinasok... Pero sobrang sarap, sabi ng isa kong kaibigan.
Pero tama ba ang ginagawa namin?
Masyado na ba silang nabubulag sa
katotohanan?
Paglabas naming ng kasa, tila isang
malaking disyerto ang kalsada. Walang
taong nagbibilad sa mainit na singaw
ng pulang karatula ng mumurahing
motel sa aming tapat. May isang
tumigil sa harap namin noong makita
niya si Tita. Binaba ng lalaki ang
bintana ng kotse, saka kinausap si
Tita. Dalawang libo... Baguhan lang,
narinig kong sinasabi ni Tita. Pwede
na sana akong tumakbo. Pwede na
sana akong tumakas. Lilipas din ito.
Pag-upo ko sa loob ng kotse ay hinawakan niya ang aking hita, hinimas,
tumingin, at sinabing, pwede ka na.
Hindi ko inisip na umimik. Nakita ko
na lamang na nasa Victoria Court na
kami. Medyo galante, ‘deluxe’ at hindi
‘econo’ ang kinuha.
Siya na ang kusang kumilos—
nang walang hila-hilamos. Lumapit
siya sa akin at hinawakan ang aking
balakang. Ang isa niyang kamay ay
nagpupumilit na abutin ang zipper
sa likod ko. Wala na akong dignidad,
pero buhay pa rin ako. Narinig ko ang
pagtanggal niya ng sinturon, hanggang mahulog ang kanyang pantalon
sa sahig. Tinanggal niya ang damit
ko. Nilalamig ka ba? – tanong niya,
habang sinusubukang tanggalin ang
kawitan ng bra ko. Naramdaman kong
lumuwag ito... At nakita na lamang sa
lapag. Mahiga ka sa kama, utos niya.
Naramdaman ko ang matigas niyang
ari habang nakapatong siya sa akin.
Dama ang kanyang pitong pulgadang
pagkalalaking dumadaplis sa hinapis
kong pagkababae. Lilipas din ito,
lilipas din ito.
Bawat halik at daplis ng kanyang
dila ay tila ba sinisigaan ang aking
buong katawan. Bigla siyang tumigil at
tumayo. Ako naman, kanyang sinabi.
Lumuhod ako, habang siya naman ay
nakatayo at pilit niyang ipinapasubo sa
akin ang kanyang naghuhumindig na
pagkalalaki. Halos mapunit ang aking
labi habang agresibo niyang ipinapasok ang buo niyang ari. Nakakasuka
na, nakakadiri na, lahat na lang ng
butas sa katawan ko ay pinasukan na
niya.
Nagising ako na nakahubad –
walang damit at walang natitirang
dignidad. Limang libong piso na lamang ang natitirang alaala ng kasama
ko kagabi, at malamang ay ipagkakait
ni Tita ang malaking bahagi nito. Sa
isip-isip ko, para namang siya ang
nagpakantot sa customer. May hapdi
akong nararamdaman sa aking puke
ngunit pinilit ko pa rin na magbihis.
Masakit man sa aking dignidad at
katawan, kailangan kong gawin ito.
Tangina, male-late na pala ako sa
klase.
IKATLONG KWENTO SLAVE FOR
YOU
Ipinangako ko noon sa sarili ko na
huling beses na ito. Huling beses ko
na siyang lalapitan. Huling beses ko na
siyang titikman. Pero, bakit hanggang
ngayon parang wala pa rin akong laban sa tawag ng aking laman at sigaw
ng aking puso?
Simula noong bata ako, hilig ko na
ang magpinta - sa canvass man o sa
aking subjects. Kaya naman, sobrang
excited ako sa aming final project
noong nakaraang taon.
Dinala kami ng aming propesor sa
isang sikat na tourist spot – lahat kami
ay may sariling hotel rooms. Pero,
pseudo-vacation ang peg dahil ang
pakay talaga namin ay makahanap ng
subject na aming ipipinta. Isang araw
lang ang binigay sa amin para lumikha
ng isang obra maestro. Biglang
pumasok noon sa isip ko ang sex.
Taboo. Mahirap pag-usapan. Pilit na
itinatago at nililimitahan. Halimbawa
na lang sa bahay namin, nganga talaga
pag tungkol sa sex. Masyado kasing
relihiyoso ang pamilya ko kaya dapat
daw sex after marriage. Bawal umuwi
ng late, bawal mag-inuman, at bawal
mag-bar — nakakasakal talaga. Well,
sigurado akong mataas na marka ang
makukuha ko lalo na kung tasteful ang
pagkakagawa ko. Ngunit, kailangan
pa rin ng approval ng aking propesor
kaya pumunta ako agad sa kanyang
hotel room.
Nasa harap ako ng pinto ng
kanyang kwarto. Ang tagal ko atang
kumakatok pero walang sumasagot.
Hinawakan ko ang door knob. Hindi
naka-lock. Ako’y nagdalawang-isip
kung ito ba’y papasukin na, subalit
sabik ang namutawi. Binuksan ko ang
pinto at pumasok sa loob. Tumingin
ako sa paligid. Wala si sir. Paano na
ito!? Inisip ko.
Biglang may narinig akong ingay
na para bang nagbukas na pinto.
Napalingon ako. Shet, basa. Kalalabas
lang niya sa shower. Halos hubo’t
hubad siya maliban sa kanyang tapis
na tuwalya na parang wala namang
itinatago. Ako’y natigilan at napatitig.
Hindi ko ikakaila na siya ay hot – para
bang isang modelo na cover ng magazine na GQ or Abercombie — may six
pack abs, may killer smile, nakakatunaw na mga tingin, at ilang taon
lamang ang agwat sa edad ng mga
estudyante niya. Halos lahat nga ng
babae sa klase namin ay nagnanasa sa
kanya. Naramdaman ko bigla ang init.
Tila ba may apoy sa buo kong katawan
na nagngangalit at nagtatangkang
lumabas.
“Sigurado ka bang gusto mong
mag-pinta tungkol sa sex?” tanong
niya. Napatango na lang ako habang
pinagmamasdan ko siya. Tahimik lang
siya na para bang malalim ang iniisip.
Maya-maya’y sinabi niya, “Okay, you
can do that but with one condition.”
Todo isip naman ako kung anong condition iyon. “I have to be your subject.
mkulet April 26, 2013
Culture
I will pose naked and you will paint
me. Understood?” Napalunok ako ng
laway ko bago ko ibigay ang matamis
kong “Opo, sir.”
Sa totoo lang, hindi ko na napigilan
ang sarili ko. Wala akong lakas para
lumaban sa isang lalaking talagang
makalaglag panty at makapagpapasabog ng ovaries ko. Idagdag mo pa
ang malagkit na tingin at bedroom
voice niya habang ako ay kinakausap.
Bawat dampi tuloy ng aking brush
sa canvass ay tila ba isang haplos sa
aking katawan. Bawat paglapit niya
sa akin upang tingnan ang progress
ng aking gawa ay isang tukso. Bawat
titig ko sa katawan niya ay nagpapaigting ng pagnanasa ko na hawakan
ang buo niyang katawan. Mundo ko’y
biglang huminto at aki’y napagtanto:
inunahan niya ako.
Bigla na lang niya akong nilapitan
na para bang isang isang hayop na
hayok sa laman. One thing led to
another. Nakaluhod na ako sa harap
ng kama, samantalang nilalasap na
niya ang puke ko doggy stye. Todo
ungol naman ako lalo na nung
pinipisil niya ang mga suso ko kasabay
ng paglabas-pasok niya sa akin. Hindi
pa siya nakuntento at talagang pinisil
pa niya ang aking clitoris. Bumigay na
ako noon sa liyab ng aming pagtatalik.
At hanggang ngayon, alipin pa rin ako
sa tawag ng aking laman.
Walang tatalo sa pakiramdam ko
habang gumuguhit at nagpipinta. Lalo
na kung pwede akong mag-free taste
sa subject ko na walang saplot kundi
ang isang ginto na wedding band.
IKAAPAT NA KWENTO VASKETVOL
(I-SHOOT MO NA ANG VALL!) CHAR!
Y3h$Zz!
I have to do what’s best for my job —
and that means sacrificing the screen,
sacrificing this job. I am quitting
showbiz.
CHARmeleon. Wiz ako care sa iyo
‘te, alam mo yan. Anywayz, aagawin
ko muna ang ezcema, ako na ang
bida. May ikekwento aketch sa inyo
my little jejemonies. Tungkol itey sa
nachukchak chenes kong voylet sa tabi
ng Enchanted Garden sa Vaklaran.
Ikinuwento ko sa mga friends
ko ang mga eczema the other night,
pero Bianca wouldn’t believe me, but
it’s true! Huhukels! Kaya minsan,
nakakahiyang magkwento, kasi kung
hindi weirdlalu, sasabihin nila, wiz
totoo! Hmp! Fero I know na wiz dapat
ikahiya! Thiz iz me!
At ayun na itey, nag-rub-a-da-bango na kami ni jowawis. Ang intense ng
mga fangyayari ‘te! Di ko kinaya! Yung
katawan niya, less oil, more tuna! I
won’t settle for anything less than San
Marino. The search is over!
Ang mga sumunod na fangyayari
ay Apoy sa Dagat na ang peg. Lafang
dito, lafang doon. Kamot dito, kamot
doon. Hanggang sa itey na ang
pinakahinihintay kong fangyayari,
nilabas na niya ang hotdog ni Aljur.
BOOM! Naloka ako sa nakita ko . .
. isang not-so-big-gulp but firm and
fresh chunk of meat. Duty free ang
yagvols from the deep at maraming
damo, halatang di naggugupit si fafa.
Ferrero Rocher, sabi nga ni sis Anne
Curtis, there’s no other tuna! Truelagen nga naman! Kaya ayun, fight!
Subo na! Brush, brush, brush, three
times a day!
Et genite ne nge eng neging sulet ke
dehil pekiremdem ke, nese ekin ne eng
lehet. Henggeng se tinepet niye bigle
eng titi niye se eking PCOS mechine.
Noong una, nahiya ang lola niyo
kasi maitim ang wetpacks key, not
sure kung gatas na choco or choco
na gatas. Pero wiz niya raw carebear.
Ooooohhh! Lumabas ang inner diyosa
ko sa pagpasok niya sa fuwet ko. Dahil
duty free itechiwang dick ni Coco
Martin, less hassle. Pag tinanong ako
ni Bimby kung what’s siksik, ‘te eto na
yung siksik! Sulit pa!
Binilisan niya nang binilisan ang
pagkantot sa wetpackes ko! Aksyon
Gordon ang peg ni jowadick kaya
ayun, wala nang pwet na walang butas!
NKKLK!
Ibinoom boom pow niya ang kanyang shumodity sa akeng wetpakelz.
Sa init, feeling ko nashontis na ako at
magmemega ultra super suka na akesh
after one week. May tumulo rin sa
upuan, pero sabi nga sa commercial,
sige sa mantsaaaa! Happiness!
Gusto ko talagang ifagmalaki na
madalas na kaming mag-sexy time ni
jowadick. At kapag tinanong ako kung
gaano kami katagal nag-sex? Ibabagsak
ko ang aking buhok at sasabihing: mga
12 hours. At hindi phouwsz aketch
nagshushungaling! Hooray for today!
Pero inside the deep blue sea, bukod
sa world peace ay wish ko rin na sana,
ang mga vaklush, gurlalu at voys eh
maging open na rin. Wiz namang
masama sa pakikipagkwentuhan niyan
eh! Fart este part ng life yan, tulad ng
fag-tae, diva?
Chat tayo ‘te on Fezzbook, and
have a havey ganders day!
Start my subscription to MKulet for the term
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P
akshet.
Ang liberating. Ang sarap
basahin. Parang onti-onti kang
nilalabasan at hinuhubaran sa bawat
kwento na iyong nababasa. Aminin
mo na. Gustong-gusto mo, diba? No
guilty feelings. Sabi nga nila, masarap
ang bawal—bawal pag-usapan, bawal
gawin, bawal kainin, bawal puntahan.
Nakakagaan ng loob na malaya
kang sabihin ang gusto mo, nang
walang manghuhusga, nang walang
mangingialam. Tipong pwede mo
nang isigaw ang “puke” o “titi”
sa daan. Pero higit pa doon ang
kalayaan na magkuwento tungkol
sa kantutan. Lagi kasi nating iniisip
na bastos o “green” ang isang tao na
maglalakas-loob na ikwento ang kanyang adventures sa kama (pwede rin sa
banyo, kotse, o kahit saan mang lugar
na madilim at di makikita).
Hindi naman natin pwedeng
ipagkait sa ating mga sarili ang katotohanan na normal itong bahagi ng
ating mga buhay. Parte ito ng buhay
natin, parang simpleng pagkain
tuwing umaga, hapon, at gabi. Ang
pagbaon nito sa ating mga kaisipan
ay parang pagkakait ng sarap na
matatamasa kapag ikaw ay binigyan
ng kalayaan... It’s finger-lickin’ good.
O, ano pa ang hinihintay mo?
Give in.
P.S. Basta tandaan... Stay safe.
*Ang artikulong ito ay para sa mga
bahagi ng ating katawan na nagiging
instrumento ng kaligayahan at sakit
-- ang puke at ang titi.
Ng MKulet 25
Culture Committee
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Business
IN THE LOWEST
OF LOWS
MKULET BUSINESS IDEAS
A
s time passes, the need for
changes emerges. Faced with
an unprecedented and unexpected shortage of funds, MKulet has
yet to initiate schemes that will deliver
it from bankruptcy. Forget character
and integrity, think money!
This is not to say that MKulet will
stop being a publication. It still has to
release issues while running various
types of businesses. Most people think
that generating its own income is part
of the operations of a publication. It is
not that difficult at all. No, not really,
we’re not complaining. Not even in
the slightest.
Taking a cue from its friends, the
following are top ten means by which
the publication (or corporation) may
gain funds. Let’s see just how feasible
(or downright ludicrous) these ideas
are.
take photos of you in your favorite
pose (see above photo for sample). You
may also have your photo taken at the
rooftop. Photos will be edited.
Note: We only handle the camera, and
the camera only takes a still life of reality.
We highly advise you to lower your
expectations.
4 EDITING
Have a thesis adviser but no grammar
editor? Fear not, for MKulet is here for
your editing and proofreading needs.
You may provide a soft copy of your
thesis or paper, or a hard copy and a
pencil. Charge is at PhP5 per grammatical error.
Note: We’re not perfect either, so kindly
tell us if there’s a mistake we overlooked.
Same charge applies.
2 YEARBOOK
MKulet will form a committee that
will join the bidding for the yearbook
of the colleges in UP Manila. The
committee is adept in writing, editing,
layout, and event organization (for the
grad party).
5 THE SOUP KITCHEN
Due to the frequency of presswork
and sleepless nights, MKulet members
are now adept at working in the
Soup Kitchen, with soup production
booming in the wee hours of the
morning. Duty at the Soup Kitchen
requires tons of writing and editing,
and may perhaps be a state of mind
(and health) acquired after doing such.
The Soup Kitchen may rival the GAB
Caf and OUR offerings. More than
the usual soup kitchen duty, MKulet
members will also be trained in
TESDA during the summer.
3 PHOTO STUDIO
This offer may be availed together with
the yearbook package, for cheaper
payments. The photojournalists may
6 LOADING STATION
The loading station will cater to all
your loading needs, including a free
charging station. No need to hide in
1 TELESERYE
MKulet members will try their hand
at acting. Refer to rejected barkada
shots posted on the FB accounts of the
members. Tune in for details.
the corners of the RH lobby when
charging.
7 RECYCLING TUTORIAL
Not only will we teach you how to recycle, but we will teach you the proper
things to recycle. After all, some things
are better left in the trash.
8 STATEMENT WRITING
Got an online enemy releasing statements night after night? We bring you
this offer of statement writing for your
word war needs. List the main points
of your argument and corresponding
justifications, and send it to the writer
of your choice. Additional fees are
imposed for infographic, FAQ, and
combined infographic and FAQ. We
guarantee you a statement so strong
that your enemy will fade away after
it has done its duty – that is, to be useless in the first place.
9 OFFICE RENTAL
Don’t worry if you haven’t reserved
a room for your org function; you
may use the office of MKulet. Rental
is at PhP3,000 for four hours, with
a charge of PhP1,000 per succeeding hour. The office may be reserved
per room; if you plan to reserve the
entire place including the dilapidated
couch and holey pillows, the rate is
at PhP5,000 for four hours, with a
charge of PhP1,000 per succeeding
hour. The package is inclusive of
chairs, a kawayan sala set, a forever
pregnant cat, and a maximum of two
electric outlets, and exclusive of LCD,
food, drinks, and trash bins. A penalty
of PhP200 will be imposed for those
who will use the office without their
own garbage bags, while a penalty of
PhP500 will be imposed for those
who will leave trash lying around.
Note that the one of the pillows barfs
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10 MKULET MEMORIAL GARDENS
View the memorial gardens available at the office, with active and
alive plants comprising the gardens.
Photosynthesis occurs when the plants
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you at your next heartbreak, free of
charge. Those attached must pay the
standard charge for viewing.
DEEJAY / FROM PAGE 4
mous for his medyyow bad boy image.
Whatever medyyow means, we don’t
care, as long as bad boy’s connected to
it,” dagdag pa niya.
Ani pa ng kampo ni Bibe, humihiling daw ang teen stariray ng isang
boxing match laban kay Padila.
“De ke pe elem keng ene penegsesesebe pe nele. Se tetee leng pe, nese
kenye ne eng lehet, be’t be sye ensecere
se eken. Eseng medye bed bey leng
nemen eke,” sagot naman ni Padila sa
hamon.
“Beke pe dehel se bengs ne? Se
tetee leng pe, medye bed bey pe eke
dehel geneye ke pe bengs neye, pere
heweg neye peng sebehen eh. Secret
leng pe ‘te,” dagdag pa niya. Subalit di
napigilan ng MKulet ang pagsiwalat
nito dahil sinasakyan na rin ng MKulet
ang #MedyoBadBoy trend.
*** UPDATE: Muli na namang
bumaba ang kalidad ng edukasyon sa
Pilipinas matapos i-anunsyo ang pagkakaroon ng boxing match sa pagitan ni
Padila at Bibe. Mariing pa ring sinisisi
ng DOE ang kaganapang ito sa presensya ng Deejay craze sa bansa.
Nina Kathleen Bernardo at
Deonah Abigail Valte
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Opinion
GOOD
QUALITY
EZRA MILLER BAYALAN
I
tried very hard to concen-
trate. I had nowhere to go and I
knew he would beat me in just a
few moves. I just could not accept the
fact that he would beat me again; it
irritated me to no end. We were equal
in every way, but somehow, he always
manages to beat me in an intellectual
game with little effort. It made me feel
inadequate.
My slim fingers touched the tip of
the bishop. I tapped its head with my
finely manicured nails, still thinking of
where I should put it. I gave up since
I knew I was going to lose, I better
finish it now.
“Checkmate.” He said.
I rolled my eyes and sighed. He
said it so apathetically that I would
have preferred a small hint of arrogance. It is as if he actually expected it.
Damn him.
I stood up and adjusted the
large shirt I was wearing since I was
sweating. It was his tee. I went to the
refrigerator and proceeded to look for
a can of soda. This day was abnormally
hot that if it weren’t for what little ethics I still adhere to, I would probably
strut around naked in the apartment.
As I leaned forward to reach
for the soda, a silky strong voice
whispered something in my ear as he
touched my hips and closed the space
between us.
“Don’t lean forward. It makes me
remember how you screamed for my
name last night.” He sucked on my
earlobes as I shivered with delight.
“Music to your ears, eh?” I replied
hotly as I closed the refrigerator door
and completely ignored the soda that I
was supposed to get.
As I turned around and faced
him, he had that familiar fire in his
eyes. It happened in just a split second
as his lips and mine kissed torridly.
He was definitely in heat; maybe it
was because of the weather. I suddenly
became thankful for the humidity.
He put his hand inside the shirt
and hurriedly squeezed my breast.
He pinched the nipples lightly and
I squealed. God, it was so sensitive
under his touch. His other hand
reached to remove the tee that I was
wearing. When I was naked with only
my panties on, he stopped kissing me
and he looked at me first. I felt like
I was being scanned, but it was not
awkward for us. That was one of his
habits when we made love; to observe
me keenly; probably admiring the
body that he was going to envelope in
ecstasy a few moments later.
He lifted me up and put me on
the granite countertop. He kissed me
fervently again as he removed my silk
panties. In a swift move, a finger was
inserted inside my wetness. I was so
wet that it was easy for him to glide in.
I whimpered as I could feel him
pressing my most sensitive spot. His
other hand was playing with my
breasts and he lowered himself so that
he could suck the other one. The feeling of multiple places of pleasure all at
once was hard for me to bear. I don’t
know what to do and my hands were
restless.
“Ahhh… Oh, god. Right there,
right there!” I moaned.
As I was on the edge, he suddenly
stopped. I let out a sigh of complain
and he smirked. He removed his fingers and brought them to his mouth.
As if by instinct, I went down
from the countertop and hurriedly
removed his pants and boxers. A familiar sight dawned upon me. He was
already rock hard and yearning for my
touch, or better yet, my mouth. I just
had to taste him.
I licked the shaft first as I was
touching the base of his cock. His
breathing became heavy and he gently
touched my head, as if signaling me to
do more. I slowly took him in, sucking
him lightly while I swirled my tongue.
I then began to bob my head faster.
He was going to come; I could feel his
muscles tense.
As an act of revenge, I stopped
sucking his hard shaft even though
the pleasure was mutual. As his act of
revenge, he made me stand up, turned
me on my back and made me lean on
the countertop. I could not even protest as he slammed his gloriously large
manhood inside my dripping pussy.
That familiar feeling of being filled to
the bones surfaces once again.
He had a tendency to slow down
and go deeper, then penetrate faster as
I neared orgasm. I did not want the
ecstasy to stop but the familiar feeling
of heat in the pit of my stomach was
nearing.
“I’m close… Ahhh… Oh my…
Harder! Faster please!” I cried.
“What was that?” He asked as
he slowed down. He was teasing me
damn it!
“Please…” I cried. I was going to
come already!
“I can’t hear you.” He laughed
lowly. He wanted me to beg and I
couldn’t contain it. I tighten myself
with him inside me. He moaned, as
expected.
“I said fuck me faster.” The bitch
in me just came out.
He adhered to my command and
began taking us both into oblivion.
I could see stars in the middle of
daylight. And then just like a bomb, it
exploded.
***
Now this is what I call quality
rated M Fanfiction. I’ve been scrolling
tirelessly in the Naruto section and
there are a lot of tasteless authors
there. Good thing I have found the
perfect series to read.
PA-ORAL
NAMAN,
OH?
REP. EHCEL LAGMAN
S
a lipunang puno ng ka-
libugan, hindi na uso ang hintayan. Kapag inabot ng tawag
ng laman, hablutin na ang kasintahan
at dalhin sa pinakamalapit na pagpaparausan. Masyadong hassle kung
maghuhubad pa ng saplot ang isa’t isa.
‘Yung mabilisan na lang – quickie lang.
Hindi na uso ang pa-tweetums. Ilabas
ang dapat ilabas. Ibandera ang lahat
ng mga nakatago. Garapalan na. Kahit
oral sex na lang muna.
GUSTO KO NG SARCIADO
Ano nga ba ang lasa ng titi? Maalatalat? Maasim-asim? Manamis-namis?
Gayumpaman, straight man na babae
o lantarang bading, titi ang inaasamasam. Huwag na tayo magpakahipokrito rito dahil titi, oo titi, titi ang
gusto mo.
Ang akto ng pagsubo ng titi
ay tinatawag na blow job o fellatio.
Sa aktibidad na ito, dahan-dahang
didilaan ng isang indibidwal ang ulo
ng pototoy ng isang lalaki. Habang
dinidilaan ito, unti-unti namang
tatangkain na maisubo ang kabuuan.
Atras-abante lamang ang mosyon.
mkulet April 26, 2013
Maaari ring gamitan ng deep throat o
ang sagarang pagsubo sa ari hanggang
sa maramdaman ng iyong lalamunan
ang ulo ng titi. Kadalasang nilalabasan
ng likido ang kelot habang ginagawa
sa kanya ang makamundong gawain
na ito.
ESCABECHE LANG ANG AVAILABLE
May nakatutuwang anyo ang pekpek.
Ngunit sa likod ng kakatwang hitsura nito, masarap daw itong kainin.
Cunnilingus ang tawag sa akto ng
pagdila sa kepyas ng babae. Sa mga
heterosexual na relasyon, isa lamang ito
sa mga pampagana patungo sa rurok
ng pagnanasa. Samantalang sa mga
lesbiana naman, ito ang kanilang main
dish kumabaga.
Gaya ng blow job, ginagamitan
din ng dila ang aktibidad na ito. Bahagyang ibinubuka ang dalawang hita
ng isang babae upang magbigay daan
sa ulo ng kakain. Hinahawi rin ang
mga unnecessary stuff na sagabal sa pagsilay sa tinggil ng babae. Ginagamitan
ng dalawang daliri ang pagsasantabi
ng dalawang pisngi ng pekpek. Kapag
alintana na ang clitoris, dahan-dahang
dinidilian ito gamit ang dulo ng dila.
Maaari ring sipsipin depende sa iyong
calling. Paulit-ulit lamang ang proseso
hanggang sa mapakislot na ang bebot
at labasan ng likido.
PASAWSAW SA MANG TOMAS MO
Ang rim job na yata ang pinakanakadidiring porma ng oral sex.
Requirement ang nag-uumapaw na
pagmamahal mo sa iyong sinisinta o
kaya naman ay kasukdulang kalibugan
bago mo maisagawa ang bagay na ito.
Matinding paglilinis din ng butas ng
puwet ang kinakailangan upang kahit
papaano ay malinis ang pagsasagawa
ng nakasusulasok na gawaing ito. Dila
rin ang ginagamit sa daloy ng aktibidad na ito. Dahan-dahan ang pagdila
sa butas ng puwet na may garantiyang
makapagbibigay ng kakaibang kiliti at
ungol sa parte ng may ari ng puwet.
Samantalang sa parte ng dumidila
ay, in the name of love na lamang ang
mantra.
Kabilang din sa oral sex ang pagsipsip sa suso ng isang babae o lalake.
‘Yun bang didilaan mo ang palibot ng
utong ng iyong katalik hanggang sa
ito ay manigas at saka mo susupsupin.
Maaari ring habang sinisipsip mo ang
isang suso ay nasa kabilang suso naman ang iyong kamay at nilalamas ito
nang dahan-dahan na may karampatang diin.
Ang oral sex ang isa sa mga esensyal na
sangkap ng matagumpay na pakikipagtalik. Kung wala ang oral, walang
pampagana. Kung wala ang oral,
hindi mapupuno ng libog ang niigan.
Madali lamang ang oral. Huwag
manghinayang na gawin ito. Tiyakin
lamang na alagaan pa rin ang kalusugan habang isinasagawa ang mga ito.
Magmumog o mag-toothbrush upang
maiwasan ang mga impeksyon tulad
ng throat cancer.
Huwag mo na itanggi, gaano ka
man ka-demure o relihiyoso, imposibleng walang libog sa katawan mo.
Magpakatotoo ka. Harapin mo ang
iyong mga ninanais. Ipaglaban mo ang
iyong karapatan na malibugan. Huwag
mo pigilin. I-share mo. Dahil iisa lang
ang absolute truth sa mundo – malibog
ka, malibog ako, malibog tayong lahat.
11
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